All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize