They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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