There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
NoShamevember. You game?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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