he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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