I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
