saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
