matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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