The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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