also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
