My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
