no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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