my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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