For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
