The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
