Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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