i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
