I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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