Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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