Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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