My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
