do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize