Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
