this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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