This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
