when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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