That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
