So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
