Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
