I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
