Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
