remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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