how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
