I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize