I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize