I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He uses pillows to masturbate.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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