She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
