She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
