dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Randomize
