I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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