PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
