I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
