come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
