my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dignity is for republicans.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
