I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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