Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
