I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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