just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
