i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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