Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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