I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
