I cannot find my penis.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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