I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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