I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
