This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
