I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
