You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
