I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
