It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
