he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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