those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
